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12:33 p.m. 2010-01-10

Another way to deal with mosquitoes.

At many bars around town, there areÖ professional women who want to help you have a good time. It isnít fair to call them all hookers, some of them are really looking for a sugar daddy and when they see white guy they think ď1. Rich 2. away from family in unfamiliar place 3. maybe a ticket to a better place.Ē At the very least, free drinks, maybe a nice meal, who knows? Of course, some of the girls only go to step 1 and after working you up ask if you would be willing to part with some of those riches.
Other people are interesting. Hookers are interesting. Everybody has a story to tell, how they got from where they started to this particular bar stool, and what they want to be doing next week. At the bar, you will not get this story from these girls. Lying at bars is a time honored tradition, and Iím certainly not going to judge them for that.
But it leaves me in an awkward position. If Iím approached in a bar by one of these women, I question her intentions automatically. I also know that she is going to lie to me if I ask her any questions. I also know that she is making certain assumptions about me that arenít necessarily true. She is going to assume that Iíll lie to her, that the reason Iím at this bar is to pick up a girl, and that she, as the one in front of me now, should be the one I take.
These bar girls are known as mosquitoes because they come out at night, they inevitably buzz around you, and of course they are a vector for certain diseases.
Iíve seen different strategies for dealing with these mosquitoes. Iíve seen ďIím engagedĒ and ďIím marriedĒ crash and burn if there isnít a female accomplice around to back up those lines. Even then they want to get you their number when your anti-wingman isnít around. Iíve heard that ďIím gayĒ in addition to opening you up to other trouble at the bar (not the most tolerant of places here) just goes over the girls heads. I havenít heard about that one being done with an anti-wingman yet. The ďIím just not interestedĒ approach doesnít work because 1. they think that you really mean ďIím just not interested YETĒ and 2. if they leave, the next girl doesnít know that you arenít interested.
So Iíve developed an inoculation strategy. I use my amazing interpersonal skills to come across as somebody who is tremendously boring. I tell dull, impersonal stories. I bring every conversation back to the history of Spain. I ask her about herself, which brings about a lie about her, and then I accept that as true and really explore it. People do love talking about themselves, but talking about college classes that they arenít taking in spite of all their attempts to change the subject isnít fun. Sometime around Portugalís independence (1128) she loses interest, whips out her cell phone, and starts texting her friends. BUT, she doesnít leave! She is distracted, doesnít want to talk to me anymore, yet she still stays next to me becauseÖ well, because nobody likes to leave a white person without getting some money off of them. So now she is my effective mosquito repellent. Also, she has learned some valuable world history, everybody wins.

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