HERE LIES TEN MINUTES OF MY TIME.
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10:20 p.m. 2010-02-16
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A funny thing happened on the way to Toledo...

So… a funny thing happened on the way to Toledo. My family spent Christmas in Jamaica, and as luck would have it, I have a freshly stocked supply of international contacts, and one of them happens to be living in Kingston. I’ve also got a dedicated shipping system that can get stuff there.

So I ship stuff there. The stuff I shipped: my brothers and sisters-in-law to be got some Nigerian dowry sculptures. These are elaborate wrist covers, one of them made from bronze, one made from what ever old Nigerian coins used to be made of. For Barrett, I got him some awful shirts, because he can wear some really bad stuff. I got mom a third type of Nigerian dowry thing. For my dad I got some chief necklaces. These are the red coral necklaces that local Chiefs wear to their visa interviews. And for the two girls that would be vacationing with them, I got them other, kind of clunky necklaces.

Unfortunately, the stuff didn’t quite get there in time. So my friend passed the box onto one of his co-workers with some of his other stuff, and she shipped it via US Post office to his family in upstate New York. This seems like an extra step… but it all worked out in the end, because a few days before Valentines day, it arrived.

Because one of my brothers, sister-in-law and her parents would be spending Valentines in Toledo with mom and dad, they decided to hold off on opening the box with all the presents.

Feb 14 rolls around and we all get together on skype and the box is opened. I’ll give you a second to look up at paragraph two, the one that lists the gifts. Look it over and see where I said “I decided to give porn to X family member.”

Yeah, it isn’t up there. But somewhere between when I boxed it up before Christmas and when it was opened on Valentines day, some girls decided to go wild and pop into the box. That’s right. First thing that was hauled out of the box was Girls Gone Wild: Girls With Toys. Second thing was a “Come to Jesus” pamphlet that I didn’t put there in the first place. Third was a “this box was opened by the US Postal Service” note. And the better of the coral necklaces that I got for dad was gone! As was the note I wrote describing all the gifts.

Still, the best, longest lasting Christmas presents are stories, and now we all have one. My Jamaican connection has denied having a hand in the shenanigans, and I believe him because he would absolutely own a prank of this quality. This mystery may never be solved.

Somewhere there is a porn fairy wearing a red necklace.

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